Guest Blogger: dangerdoom

OregonLive Forum poster Dangerdoom asked me if I would post something that he wrote, and I told him I'd think about it. Before I do that, however, I'm going to go ahead and post what he wrote. Mostly because if I think about it too much, I probably won't do it, and where's the fun in that? Actually, he turns a pretty good phrase, and besides, I'm almost half convinced that he isn't really as friggin' nuts as your first impression of him might lead you to believe...

Blazer Bonanza: A slightly mad view at the madness.

Well, first and foremost, I would like to thank HyperB for letting
me post a little something on his site. Like HB, I am a diehard
blazers fan and live online searching for any Rip City news I can
find. So, to be allowed to post on this site really means a lot to
me. But, before I end up looking like Arnold when hiding in the mud
from Predator, I’ll stop brown nosing and get to the hydrogenised
middle of this Hostess Ho Ho…
It seems the new trend, at least in Rip City, is for reporters to do (the)
exact opposite of what their job entails and write about things that
didn’t happen. Sure it’s informative, but if it didn’t happen, then
let’s just letter B. Case in point: a new article in Rip City’s
largest newspaper talks about how close the Blazers were to getting
Barbosa last year. Now, we have all heard about how close we were to
reuniting Zach with the man I suspect pays Zach’s momma’s child
support… Shaq … Names sound alike, both have that certain look to
them (Are they smart? Aren’t they? Did he blink? I can’t tell,
someone yell “hotdog”, see if he moves…), and speak with the monotony
of someone strumming on the C string of a bass guitar over and over
again. Another was Vincanity, but that may be for best. If Vince
didn’t show up for games in Vancouver, he wouldn’t do it here. Plus
I suspect his Limelightitis would act up even if we did make it to
the playoffs.
This new “news” is old. Its tired, and maybe critiquing the
newspapers is old also, but goll darn it to 7734 (type in calculator,
turn upside down, take a trip to where the magical travel agent tells
you to go), it’s my duty as a consumer. Remember the old days? When
Jaynes would speak so positively in his articles about all the
players, coaches, the… Wait, he was an old, cranky, paranoid huff
who really never had anything nice to say. That’s right, I remember
him scathing everyone, even when we were good!! He scathed in our
Golden Era! That was enough to get a man decapitated by Lumberjack
Bob, or whoever our first mascot was, at half court in the Colly
before a sold out game against the Clippers. That’s right, we sold
out the Clippers, and for all you youngsters, they were bad once!
Granted our “coliseum” was unrightfully named, Maximus would have
worn it like spandex. The only battles the Romans could have fought
there were ants in the pants… No lions, but still frightful stuff.
Regardless, it sold out every night, consistent like Metamucil.
So I guess what I am saying, very poorly, is that reporters have
always questioned management, bashed teams, and written negative
stuff. Jaynes, though, seems to have lightened up since changing
papers and began writing for the Portland Tribune. Hmm, redirect for
a moment, maybe, just maybe, Rip City’s largest newspaper, the one
that reports about Oregon, is just a lousy place to work. Maybe the
lights are TOO fluorescent. Maybe the coffee is spiked with TOO much
speed for those deadline pieces. Maybe the ink smells a bit TOO
good. Maybe, maybe, maybe. But whatever it is, if you like the
team, then watch them. Call your local channel, thank them for
playing the Blazers on TV. Buy a ticket, but do it from Blazers.com
so at least the team sees some revenue (website advertising, but that
will be it). Most important, ignorance can be bliss when being
ignorant about ignorance.
I’m sure this is my last post, but thank you, it was a crazy ride.
Brain cells, tires, and love, all things lost over this journey I
will never forget.

Doom Perignon

For your information, our Complaint Department Representative is Ms. Helen Waite. If you have a complaint, go to Helen Waite. - THB